Falling into Darkness

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 19:36:58 GMT

I am alive. I just didnt have the net for a while there. It came down to food or net and while I wanted to have my email, I choose food. When i get back I find that half the people I used to "chill" with are missing. It is disturbing really. But, I've seen lots of old faces and met some new ones, so it's all good. (I am feeling ganster today, LOL).

UNfortunately, I have nothing new to add about my life in general. It's funny cause when I did have a post ready for the LJ it wouldn't let me. Hopefully next time I am moved to write something, it's behaving.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 06:28:35 GMT

When I was younger I believed in unending true love. I believed in love so strong it could with stand anything, including the test of time. I could envision myself feeling alove so powerful for someone that my heart actully burst with it. I saw myself with someone until the day I died. I honestly believed in that. I honestly believed that if I found that love it would last forever.

Then I fell into that kind of love. The passion burned so hot, I'm still carrying the blister of it on my soul. We loved with such an intensity that even now to hear him say my name makes me tingle. It was crazy but it was good. I spent each waking moment thinking about him and each night dreaming of him. I wanted to marry him, have his babies and see what he looked like when we were both 90.

Reality is a bitch though. He broke it off. The reasons are even now hard to explain because he will admit, as will I, that the love wasn't gone nor did it lose it's intensity. I think what happened, despite what other reasons we give from wanting to fuck around with others to being afraid of commitment, was that he realized that it wasn't a safe love. We made love in a crazy way and our fights were insanity. Everything we did was passionate and I wonder if any human can survive living like that forever. I doubt it and he knew it. So, he called it all off and in the process slayed a part of my heart. To this day that part of me is cold and dead.

So, what am I saying here? I'm not sure. I think that I now believe that the only kind of love that lasts is the safe kind, where you stay with someone because it is the safe bet. You know what your future hold, because it's sterile and clean. Sure, you can have great sex and fights that raise the roof but the intensity isn't there. The passion, the kind that makes your breath catch in your throat and your heart skip a beat when the simply walk by the doorway and you get a glimpse of thier profile, isn't there. I suppose I could learn to like safe love. But a part of me wishes for that other kind.

That same part of me wishes that I could love like that again. But I can't. I don't want to be burned again. The other day I admitted to someone that I have not loved, truly loved with all my heart and soul since that burning love. They were shocked by that and to tell the truth so was I. I didn't even realize it until I said it. It was a frigthening truth and a terrible burden on my soul. I've whispered I love you in the dark and I meant it, but it was only a shadow of what love can actully be. So, does it make it less meaningful since I wasn't a fire for them?

I think I've reached the point of rambling because I honestly have no idea what I needed to say here. So, I'm going to go and eat some chocolate and try to not think about love.

More random quizes!

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 19:19:15 GMT

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scars
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast ..sometimes
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single <-------- Why does every test in creation have this guestion?
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
57. I'm obsessed with my Ujournal or Livejournal Other blog count?
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

Wed, 22 Sep 2004 07:21:59 GMT

I N F O R M A T I O N · × ·
Name: Elle
Single or taken: Wouldn't you like to know!
Sex: Females
Birthday: December 26, 1979
Sign: Cap
Siblings: Two older borthers and one younger sister
Hair color: Dark Blonde.
Eye color: Hazel
Height: 5'7"

· × · R E L A T I O N S H I P S · × ·
Who are your best friends?: Meka, Joe, Daniela, James. Some others are slowly coming into that category
You have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: You already asked this one!

· × · F A S H I O N | S T U F F · × ·
Where is your favorite place to shop: I like Old Navy cause I can afford it but I also like small unknown stores, thrift shops
Any tattoos or piercings: My ears

· × · S P E C I F I C S · × ·
Do you do drugs?: Yes.
What kind of shampoo do you use?: This month, somethign ina green bottle
What are you most scared of?: Snakes
What are you listening to right now?: The hum of my PC
Who is the last person that called you?: Daniela
Where do you want to get married?: Outside, possibel under the stars
How many buddies are online right now?: 2
What would you change about yourself?: That I could be more forward and open.

· × · F A V O R I T E S · × ·
Color: PINK!
Food: Baked potatoes with lots of sour cream and butter, steak done medium rare and spinich.
Boys' names: Ryley
Girls' names: Mackenzie
Subjects in school: English
Animals: Anything fuzzy and cute

· × · H A V E | Y O U | E V E R · × ·
Given anyone a bath?: Yes
Smoked?: Yes. Still do.
Bungee jumped?: No
Made yourself throw up?: Yes
Skinny dipped?: Yes
Ever been in love?: Yes
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: Yes *bad elle*
Pictured your crush naked?: Yes
Actually seen your crush naked?: Yes
Cried when someone died?: For hours
Fallen for your best friend?: Yes
Been rejected?: Yes
Rejected someone?: Yes
Used someone?: Yes
Done something you regret?: Look at my other answers, what do you think? Yes.

· × · C U R R E N T · × ·
Clothes: Carebeasr t-shirt, mid-rise jeans, pink sweater and my roommates socks
Music: Nothing. I was about to put on a Live record
Make-up: None.
Annoyance: My cat
Smell: Wendy's Junior Bacon and fabric softner
Desktop picture: Beer bottles circling a table
Book you're reading: Stephen King's IT
CD in player: Nothing right now
DVD in player: Clue

· × · L A S T | P E R S O N · × ·
You touched: Cute boy at work
Hugged: My cat
You imed: Beq
You yelled at: A drunk
You kissed: Sneaky. Thought that I'd tell you that huh?

· × · A R E | Y O U · × ·
Understanding: I try to be
Open-minded: Usually. But on certain subjects it's next to impossile for me to be
Arrogant: I hope not
Insecure: Yes
Random: Yes
Hungry: Kind of
Smart: Half the time. The rest of the time I am a blonde.
Moody: Only during certain times of the month or when my stree level is high
Hard working: Yes
Organized: Depends. At work, yes. At home, dear lord where have I put the keyboard?
Healthy: No
Difficult: My roommate just told that I was (DON'T TOUCH THE WINAMP!)
Attractive: I was told I was hot today!
Bored easily: Not really
Responsible: Yes
Obsessed: With certain things
Angry: Not right now. I decided I don't care enough to be angry at dumb things
Sad: Sometimes
Happy: For the most part
Hyper: Sometimes
Trusting: Yes

· × · W H O | D O | Y O U | W A N N A · × ·
Kill?: No one
Slap: Amanda
Get really wasted with?: James
Talk to offline: James
Talk to online: Beq, Chris, Rick, Adam, Daniela, Meka...
Sex it up with: *shifty eyes* No one...

· × · R A N D O M · × ·
In the morning I am: A sleep. AM does not exist as a getting up thing
All you need is: Oreo's and love
Love is: hard but worth it in the long run
Sexual preference: *cough*
What do you notice first in the sex you're into: Eyes

· × · W H I C H | I S | B E T T E R · × ·
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
Flowers or candy: Candy (See? Totally unhealthy!)
Tall or short: Tall.

· × · W H O · × ·
Makes you laugh the most: James.
Makes you smile: My mom
Gives you a funny feeling when you see him/her: *coughs*

· × · D O | Y O U | E V E R · × ·
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to im you?: Yes
Save conversations: No
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex?: God no. Imagine carrying around extra gear
Wish you were younger: Only when I am stressed out.
Cried because someone said something to you?: Yes

· × · N U M B E R · × ·
Of times I have had my heart broken: I think twice
Of hearts I have broken: 2 (whoa. That is odd. I never noticed that before. Adn this is only ones I know of.)
Of CDs I own: Maybe 30
Of scars on my body: I'm clumsy so too many to bother counting
Of things that I regret: No that many but I don't think I want to count them.

· × · Y O U R | T H O U G H T S · × ·
I know: that I love with out reserve
I want: to be free
I have: lots of love in my life from my famiy and friends
I wish: my raptor would go away.
I hate: people who are mean for no reason
I fear: snakes and being hurt by friends
I hear: the sound of the wind and the laughter of children
I search: for the strength to realize my goals
I wonder: if people don't like me
I love: my life

Who took my Raptor Egg and other such babble

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 07:14:37 GMT

Someone has taken the Raptor Egg. It went missing 48 hours ago. I thought at first maybe they were simply moving it again but it still has not re-appeared. It's silly to be concerned for a rock but I can't help it. I may just have to ask them where they put it. :P

I have a head cold. When I am sick I am a big baby. I cry at tire commercials. I sleep for hours on end. But I *think* it's going away as fast as it came on so I might be okay. I woke up with it Saturday morning. The lump in my throat was so huge I couldn't even swallow. But now, the lump has subsided leaving in its place a hacking cough. My cats run away every time I start coughing, which is kind of funny. They creep back slowly, get comfortable on my lap and then COUGH! They take off.

My work schedule is absolutely the worst I've had in ages. Closing every night except Wednesday and Friday this week and Thursday and Friday next week. My RP time is halved because most people are sleeping when I log on at 2:30 am! I'm buying a hundred lottery tickets this week, so I can retire.

I am signing up for some courses that start in January. Some English, some math and maybe some computer courses. I'm excited. I feel that since I have stopped taking courses I have started to lose any knowledge I've gained. In short, I feel as if I am growing stupider with each passing day. For instance, I was a horrible spelled growing up but I found that by the end of high school I had mastered the beast and was using the spellchecker only occasionally. Now, I rely on the damned thing. Also, my vocabulary has dwindled away. I use the word stuff so much it has nearly lost all meaning. When I try to explain things, I can't think of the right words. The spelling thing has inhibited me because, when I can think of the word, I can't think of how to spell it. So, I am going to shake my brain up with some forced learning.

Today at work I was the advice queen. Everyone was coming to me for deep words of wisdom. It felt nice to know people will turn to me when they are in trouble or feeling lost. Granted, I have no idea why they do it but I like it. Someone told me it is because I am the most approachable person out of all our managers and because though I can be emotional I give practical advice. Whatever the reason, I was happy to help.

I think that is all for now. See you on the flip side or whenever I next post. (Yes, I used spellcheck before posting :P)

It's all Geek to me

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 06:38:46 GMT

This entry is about my geeky obsession with Role Playing. I've gone through alot of changes recently, trying to be more agressive and take more chances. This is hard for me mostly because I have always been a quiet , shy sort of person. I try not to rock the boat in life and that carries into my characters.

So, at Fairplane, we started this "soap opera" story line and I signed myself up to play Marie-Elise Rothschild, evil mother and head of the family. Anyway, I'm excited to play her, because she is going to be the most aggresive charcter I think I have ever had. There were a few who started out aggresive and then never got played again. But Marie-Elise is a big step for me because I am going to activily make changes in the story alot. After all, she's manipulative and power hungry. She isn't going to be sitting around drinking tea!

But it frightens me too because...well cause she is all rawr. However, I'm looking forward to it. I started tonight in a scene with Chris and I know I was a bit weak at first. I think after some sleep and dreaming I'll be able to go back tomorrow (later today, ha ha) with more of a bite.

So, I'm excited and I think this is a good step for me. Yay me!

I'd like to know what I have done!

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 18:19:23 GMT

So, Meka and I spoke on the phone today. We talked about her cool job playing with puppies and my not so cool job working at Wendy's. We talked about the next time we are off together so we hang hang out and do stuff. Then we talked about Lois. Stupid, bitchy Lois.

She went away this past week end on a business trip, leaving her boy friend all alone. I'm surprised he didn't fall apart without her here telling him what to think and do. HE spent the week end hanging out with all of the friends that he normally doesn't spen time with, like Meka and her boyfriend. I was working so I couldn't go. I guess he thought it would be a good time to ask them if they wanted to rent a cottage with me again next year. Meka said of course, cause we all had fun and they had no problems with me. So then he said, are you sure because I thought you'd be sick of her by now. Meka again said yes. So, then he backed off going Yeh, you are right. I agree..yadda yadda. Without the stupid bitch there to force him otherwise he would agree, cause he has no fucking balls.

I know this steams from Lois because when we got back she hinted at the same thing to Meka and the others. Now, she's using her boy friend and trying to manipulate things. What I want to know is, what have I done to her? I've been thinking about it and I can't think of anything. I mean, maybe I did something to her that she took offense to and I don't know it but I don't think this excuses her behaviour.

I'm going to talk to the others and let them know that even though it would mean letting Lois know they told me about the things she has said and done, I need to confront her and clear the air. This makes me mad. It also makes me sad. I was trying to joke about kicking her ass but it wasn't so funny because I honestly could do that at this point.

Raptors Rock.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 17:34:19 GMT

Every night that I walk home I take the same route. At two in the morning, it's comforting to go the same way because you come to leanr who should have lights on, who shouldn't and the noises that follow you home. There is another reason I take the same way each night and it probably seems silly to most but to me it's the best reason of all.

It's a rock that lays in the garden of the vet who lives next store. It's about the size of a basketball, perhaps a tiny bit smaller. It's red in color, covered in specks of grey and black. For the past year it has made it's home in the south west corner of the garden. It's not quite in the garden, next to the flowers but slightly out of it, an outsider to the other smaller rocks around it. I've passed it every time I go to work and I never look at it. Only at night, when I walk towards it does it spark my imagination.

It looks like a dinasour egg. A Raptor's Egg. I never fail to think of that when I go past it and for a moment I imagine it breaking open, the beak of a small raptor peeking out, hungry. Then I imagine the mommy raptor showing up and my pace never fails to quicken. The other night it was slick with rain and it looked like it had only just been layed.

I can't help but smile when I see that rock because it makes my imagintion work overtime and reminds me that dispite the fact I have become an adult in many ways I can still be a kid at heart.

Cottage Backlash.

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 17:13:49 GMT

I should have seen this coming. It happened the last two years after we got home from the cottage but I had hoped that it wouldn't this year.

Each year the six of us rent a cottage for a week. Meals are split up evenly as well as dish duty (we are so renting a cottage with a dishwasher next time!) Anyway, each time we have gotten back one person bitches about things that no one else seemed to have a problem with. The first year was some drama queen act about how I wasn't as close to her any more as I was to Meka. I had to smooth things over with her at the cottage about this, so for the first day I was in a foul mood. Then we got back home and she said that her bf spent the most on beer and drank the least. The rest of us were shocked since he hadn't said a word about it and we bought him a case of beer to make up for it. Problem solved.

The next year she complained that they did most of the work while the rest of us fished and drank. We didn't agree on that one but we said that in the future we would all pitch in a bit more. She insisted that we all spend x amount on food and that no one go over the budget. Guess who went over budget? Guess who demanded we help out with that? None of us cared but she was such a bitch about it we couldn't help but feel angry. Once again, she complained about the beer issue. We once again got him beer, even though we had all pitched in on every case of beer and he drank just as much as we did. Problem solved.

This year we all made promises to ourselves to make sure this didn't happen again. Everyone brought his or her own beer and booze. I spent $200 on groceries for the first few days, since I was going to be there alone on the Saturday and they were coming on the Sunday. They had a wedding to go to that came up last minute. When everyone came up I skillfully avoided the cost of it, because I didn't really care. More then half of it came home with me at the end of the week so it was no biggie. I said I would do the bathroom. Meka said she would do the kitchen since she was cooking dinner that night. This other girl, who shall be referred to as Lois for the rant, was standing right there and I asked her if she wouldn't mind doing the living room. She agreed. I did the bathroom and I said I would to touch ups the next day, cause I had to wait for the landlord to come to hand over the keys. Meka and I went to the dock, to try and spend the last remaining hours of daylight relaxing. After all, the next day we had to go back to the city. Lois and her bf decided to clean the place. And they did a half assed job of it. They claimed to have swept every room (except mine, for reasons that are still not clear) but there was so much dirt left the dustpan had to be emptied twice. The only room they didn't clean was...the living room. They told me I could vacuum the cow rug. I was shocked and made a face, since I hate vacuuming. But because I wanted harmony I almost agreed. But someone else came to my rescue and did it the next day.

So, we get home and the rest of decided to just let it go. Lois is self-centered and must be right at all costs. We had fun and none of us were going to let her rain on our parade. But then she said to Meka, "I can't believe she refused to vacuum the cow. (Which is what we called the rug)." Meka told her that she shouldn't complain because she agreed to the chores and if Lois hadn't wanted to vacuum she should have said something, instead of doing everyone else’s shit so she could pass off chores. Lois thought I was being lazy. Excuse me, who opened the cottage, did all the paperwork to get it, planned out Meka's surprise b-day cake and even re-swept your floors? Bah!

I think this started when she and her bf bought a house a few months ago. Lois has always been bossy and overbearing but it got worse when the bought the house. For that moment on it seems she is trying to make the rest of us go away from her life with Hector (her bf). She doesn't seem to want any of us around him. I don't know why but I suspect she thinks the rest of us aren't good enough for her. We didn't go to college or university, though we are all working on going and they did. They bought a house, while the rest of us are renting or living at home. I rent a condo and have been on my own since I was 19. I make more money then she does. I should be gloating. But even saying that I feel bad. I don't know why she's being this way, but it sucks.

Also, I was referred to as Meka's Shadow cause we hung out all week. I want to point out to Lois that she was the one who refused to do things with us the first few days and after that we got tired of asking and being shot down or flat out ignored.

But whatever. I won't see her very much for a while. Maybe she'll grow up. Maybe I will simply not care.

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 07:20:31 GMT

I want to be brave. Hell with that, I need to be brave. I need to make strong choices and stick by them, no matter what happens. I do not want people to walk all over me anymore. I'm tired of it. I deserve better. Now I know that most people don't want to read another LJ blog that scream, "Woe is me! Poor me! Look at how bad my life is" but I want to just get it off my chest and be done with it.
My life isn't bad, just the way I have been living it is. I am tired of it.

I am tired of being the 'friend' that takes peoples shit all day long and is required to give postive answers continuely, even though everyone knows no one is going to listen to them and tomorrow you will bitch again. I am tired of not having the nerve to simply say, "Stop it. Just suck it up or let it go."

I am tired of being afraid all the time of being left out, of being alone. I have slowly come to realize that perhaps the people who would casually hurt you like that aren't friends at all.

I will be brave. Most people know about the girl who fucked me over and is trying to play head games. What makes me angry is that she knows me well enough to think they will work. When she was crying the other day I wanted to go to her but I would not allow myself. It made me furious that I even thought about it. But, I did and that is me. I have to choose to be brave. I'm learning it's all about choice.

So, I am going to be brave and I am going to change. I know I will take steps back sometimes but I also know that I will take leaps forward and that every aspect of my life will be better for it. And that everyone that cares about me will be better off too, because I won't have to lean on them all the time. Now they can lean on me.

There. I feel better now.

(To those who read this and take offence, don't. This has been brought on by RL situations. I'm just going to change both OL and in RL. Yay me.)

Back to the Real World

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 17:49:45 GMT

For those of you who didn't know last week I went on a long overdue vacation. Myself and a group of friends rented a cottage up north (For those familiar with Ontario it was about 25 minutes south/east from Haliburton). It was located on a VERY primitive dirt road that was more then a little nerve wrecking to drive down in a tiny sports car. But the scare was worth it. It was right on the water. i am going to unload some pics to my picture page. when I have that done I'll give the address for it.
Anyway, I got burnt on the every first day up there and am peeling on my shoulders. I was very ready to write a nasty letter to Coppertone, since I had re-applyed and everything. We yhad a good laugh at it. My friends think I happen to have -45 natural protection against the sun and the 45 sunscreen just made me a 0 then.
Nature was everywhere we looked. A bear ran across the road in front of us on our way there! That was pretty cool. It was a baby so we kept a nervous eye out for the mama. Meka and I were lucky enough to see a Loon up close. We had been chilling on the dock reading when we looked up to see it about 5 feet away from us on the water. It was really huge. We saw lots of chipmunks!
I had a very scary moment involving some snakes. I was standing on the upper part of the dock when I saw a chipmunk. I pointed it out. As I did I saw some slithering movement behind the deck chairs. I turned and ther eit was. A snake. Meka's boyfriend was thrilled because he really enjoys snakes and lizards. We then established the theory that I attracted them cause for the rest of the week I kept seeing them. At one point I stood with him and watched a snakes from about ten feet away. It was odd for me soince one part of me, the rational part wanted to be brave and face my fear. The other part, the irrational part, wanted to run and hide.
Of course drinking was done by everyone though only two people had to camp out in the bathroom. One of them was hiliarious, though we all felt bad for laughign. But when you lean against a wall, rock back and forth and mutter, "The Chipmunks. This is so fucked up!" you are asking for it. I was good and did not have to camp out. Yay me!
I got back yesterday and I had to go to a company BBQ. I was nervous about this because the girl I am no longer talking to works for the same company, though at a different location then me. She had left even more messages on my phone and I am avoiding checking my email. AT the BBQ she pulled some dramam queen crap, sending her boy friend over to talk to me about it, crying and threatening to leave if I didn't come in and talk to her. I honestly believe her tears were crocodile tears, an act. She wanted me to either come in and forgive her and let her use me again. Or she wanted to make me look like the bad guy by hiding the fact that she fucked up behind her tears and my refusal to be drawn in by them. It made me think of high school again. Dear lord. We are 25 years old! Can we leave the fucking drama behind? I didn't go in and I continued to have a good time ( Hell! I even got thrown into a pool and kept laughing!). So, the next step for her will be anger at me for not rolling over. She even muttered to someone that I had done "way worse things then she ever had". Now, if you truly wanted to talk and work things out would you say anything like that, since you know that person is gpoing to tell me about it? She is an asshat!
That was my week. I am trying to stay relaxed and let it go, but sometimes I have trouble with it.

It's time.

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 18:41:20 GMT

I first got a LJ cause it seemed like fun and you know, everyone I knew had one. Once I had it I found I was nervous to post things, real things, about myself other then boring mundane details. I just kept thinking about how I couldn't talk about certain things cause people might get offended, or worse may not even care.

Today I saw the errors of my ways. First, if I offend someone there is nothing I can do about it. They don't have to agree with my opinions to make my opinions validated. Second, if they don't care they probably aren't going to take the time to read my entries, let alone comment on them. Anyway, I have decided I am going to enjoy my LJ more and post what I want when I want.

So, for my first journal entry that I actully want to write!

I started roleplaying in a fantastic new room not too long ago. Its called Fairplane and you can find it on ER. It's a great room mostly because of the unique way it is run and because of the people who go there. Becky, Rick and Chris are quickly becoming some of my favorite people.

I still love playing in Cleveland Nights and at first I felt bad that I was going anywhere else. But I need more then one place to play, if only because sometimes I am in the mood for vampires and other days for Elves and Lovecraft.

In real life my job has become a horrible re-run of my past job and of when I was growing up. One of the other managers is clnically depressed and her behaviour has made it difficult not to slap her. I grew up in a house where my sister tried commiting suicide so many times the nurses and doctors at the hospital didn't need to look up the house number to contact my famly (I wish this was a joke but it's sadly true). My dad suffered from the same thing all his life and because it was never treated he and I couldn't communicate and there was too much hate and pain between us. I grew up being belittled, ignored and yelled at. My former job was run by a lady who did the same thing.

The kicker for me is that all of the people in my life who would act like that would say they were sorry and then, maybe an hour later, they'd be right back at it. Sandra, this other manager, has being doing this not only to me but to the employees and I can't take it much longer. You can only say you are sorry so many times before it becomes empty words.

I told my boss that I didn't care if we had people lined out the door, if she does it again I will walk off the shift. My boss has spoken to her about this and said, it's great you are on meds but you need to get help. Sandra doesn't want therapy but I know it can help. I told her it would. My dad finally got therapy (as well as the rest of my family) after my sister started her suicide attempts and he is a much happier, healthier man. My sister is still working on it but I have hope she'll find a happy space in her mind.

I have a ex-friend that doesn't seem to understand that when I don't phone, email or make any other attenpts at communication with her that I don't want her to contact me either. The past few days have been filled with her emails and phone calls. I ignore them, even though I would love to rip her a new one. She betrayed me, telling a secret that I didn't even mean to tell her (curse the shooters that loosened my tongue), to others. And whle that may not seem like a big deal it wasn't the first time it had happened. I have decided I don't want to be a dupe anymore. But, instead of yelling screaming and possibly kicking the shit out of her, I have chosen not to talk to her again. I want the freindship to die because I have good memories of our times together. I don't want to stain them with the memory of a huge final fight. I don't think she gets this. And I know she knows that I know she fucked up and I am not interested in her because I made sure to spread the word between mutual friends. Argh! It frustrates me!

But other then that things are good. My cats get weirder and weirder but they make me laugh so I don't mind. My condo is bright with sunshine most days. My parents are on vacation in PEI and I miss them. They have promised to bring back presents. I have lost enough weight that I will look semi-smoking in a bikini on my vacation next week. Life is good, despite the crazies.

Cats!

Tue, 15 Jun 2004 07:10:29 GMT

So, my cat was sick and I had to take the poor thing to the Vet. The vet was awesome though and by the end of it the cat was purring like mad for him. My kitty, the tramp. He'll purr for anyone, I swear.

He has crystals in his bladder, which is fixed by some cat food changes. YAY!

Anyway, that was my weekend. Ever tried getting a urine sample for a kitty? Not fun!

Stolen!

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 03:21:44 GMT

Instructions: Write one statement to each of 10 people on your LJ friends list.
Never tell which one is for who.

Yeh, since I don't have ten friends onm ylist this will have to do:

1) You made me feel comfortable with myself and have continued to be shining light in my sometimes dark world

2) Sometimes I wish I knew away to make your pain go away. One day, when I know you better, I will

3) We've grown apart and it makes me sad

MY MEME!

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 22:23:53 GMT

You should eat at Wendy by EllEloa
User Name
Sandwich	Triple Burger
Salad	Ceaser Salad
Drink	Diet Coke
Sidedish	Chili with Shredded Cheese

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 21:57:23 GMT

The Jrock center for the Insane by hibiemi
Name:
Patient Number:	70,959,288,070,320
Caught For	Glomping
Your treatment is	No writing instruments
Your Doctor is	Daishi (Psycho Le Cemu)
Your Nurse is	Ayumi Hamasaki!?!?
You escape by	Bribing your doctor
And then...	You marry your doctor

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 21:56:07 GMT

Angel Style by greymentality

Name/Username

First Impression from Others

Others cower in your grandeur

Your Core

Is elementalistic, you are a spirit, but earthly

Potential to Stray from the Light: 43%

Your Weakness

You don't really know your place in the rank thing

Your Strength

You know realllllllly secret stuff

Your Wings

Filmy and flowing. Like gauze.

Your Focus

Humanity's rhelms

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Woo-hoo! Stolen from Joe

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 21:50:16 GMT

01. Who are you?
02. Are we friends?
03. When and how did we meet?
04. Do you have a crush on me?
05. Would you kiss me?
06. Describe me in one word.
07. What was your first impression?
08. Do you still think that way about me now?
09. What reminds you of me?
10. If you could give me anything what would it be?
11. How well do you know me?
12. When's the last time you saw me?
13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

You know you grew up a child of the 80's/90's when...

Mon, 10 May 2004 19:41:10 GMT

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE."
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: M.C. Hammer
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock."
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales."
12. When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen.
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
16. You made your Mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore Jordache Jean jacket and you were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear...
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten.
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off...
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took Lunch Pails to school.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor T-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought Sheera and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know what you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slid e.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
41. You've gone through this list occasionally saying "Totally awesome"
42. You remember Popples.
43. "Don't worry, be happy"
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down.
46. "Miss MARY MACK MACK, all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
47. You remember boom boxes Vs. CD players.
48. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies.
49. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!"
50. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My Little Pony Tales"
51. You thought Doogie Howser was hot.
52. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
53. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool.
54. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By the Bell," the ORIGINAL class.
55. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.
56. The only rapper you knew of was Vanilla Ice.

God hates me

Mon, 10 May 2004 18:07:34 GMT

I am convinced that God hates me. Every single day this week something has gone wrong. Every shift I have run has been shitty. Someone has either called in sick, been fired or even better simply not shown. I am serious when I say I am sick of gettting home at three in the morning because I had to close a positon in the store and then do my manager crap. (For those of you who don't know I work for Wendy's as a manager)

Take yesterday for example. We ran out of fries. That is right. FRIES! The staple of all our combo meals. It sucked. I got yelled at three times by irrate customers. Then, the truck was on hour late. If it hadn't been late, we would have never run out of fries.

God hates me

Randomness

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 22:58:25 GMT

I was going to write a poem here but I couldn't find the words. *shrugs* It was going to be about lost love, about how a persons heart can just get hard towards another person. It was going to bitter and I think that my muse was just not feeling the bitterness today and would give me no words. *L*

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 23:53:40 GMT

Now that I have the pointless posts out of the way here is my for real post.

I've been out a few times this week, after work. It's been fun but it has definately distracted me from my work and my life. I've decided to be a grown up and not party as much. I think it is safe to say I have blown off the steam that needed to be blown off. And, I have to have to stop finding myself in the position where someone had fallen for me and I have to let them know it isn't gonna happen. Remember the Orlando Bloom lookalike? Well, he has a crush on me now. He's friends with some of my old friends and he's been there while we partied. As cute as he is I don't feel the same way back. I feel kinda the a jerk for having to do it but...I must.

I shouldn't complain about it though. It just means I am hot. *giggles*

Anyway, on the brighter side of things I get to go another work trip! Yeh!

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 23:43:06 GMT

LAST...
:x: movie you rented = Kill Bill
:x: movie you bought = Matrix Revolutions
:x: song you listened to = Hoobastank: The Reason
:x: that was stuck in your head = See above
:x: CD you bought = See above
:x: CD you listened to = See above.
:x: person you've called = My work
:x: person that's called you = My work
:x: TV show you've watched = Some british show I think called Is Charlie on the boat?.
:x: person you were thinking of = No one
:x: friend you made = Donnie
DO...
:x: you have a crush on someone = Yes.
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = Yes. Mexico.
:x: you think about suicide = Yes, but not in ways that I'd do it.
:x: you believe in online dating = Yes, as long as they are no illusions.
:x: others find you attractive = I think so.
:x: you want more piercings = Yes. My belly button.
:x: you drink = Yes.
:x: you do drugs = Yes.
:x: you smoke = Yes.
:x: you like cleaning = God no.
:x: you like roller coasters = Yes.
:x: you write in cursive or print = Print.
FAVORITE...
:x: food = Oreos.
:x: song = Depends on my mood...
:x: thing to do = Guess! snickers
:x: thing to talk about = RP, Sex, Reading.
:x: sports = Curling or hockey. I’m Canadian!
:x: drinks = Anything that isn’t water
:x: clothes = My new cords and top.
:x: movies = LOTR and Clue.
:x: singer = No one
:x: holiday = Easter.
:x: memory = My first bike.
HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl = Yes.
:x: ever cried over a boy = Yes.
:x: ever lied to someone = Yes.
:x: ever been in a fist fight = Yes.
:x: ever been arrested = No.
WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = Herbal Essence.
:x: shoes do you wear = Sneakers or heels.
:x: are you scared of = Thunder and lightening.
:x: # of times I have been in love? = 2.
:x: # of times I have had my heart broken? = 1.
:x: # of hearts I have broken? = At least 2
:x: # of girls I have kissed? = 3-4
:x: # of boys I have kissed? = Too many
:x: # of girls I've slept with? = 2
:x: # of boys I've slept with? = I am so not telling
:x: # of drugs taken illegally? = 1
:x: # of people I could trust with my life type friends? = I have a few.
:x: # of people I consider my enemies? = Ummm…I think 6….
:x: # of times my name has appeared in the newspaper = 1
:x: # of scars on my body? = Way too many.
:x: # of things in my past that I regret? = Nothing.
FAVORITE...
:x: disney movie = Beauty and the Beast
:x: word = Yo.
:x: nickname = Bunnie, Tips
:x: guy name = Ryley
:x: girl name = Mackenzie
:x: eye color = Brown, Green
:x: flower = Roses
:x: piercing = Belly!
:x: actor = Pierce Brosnan.
:x: actress = Angelina Jolie
:x: pretty = huh?
:x: funny = huh again?
:x: hot = What the….
:x: friendly = …
:x: amusing = …
:x: ugly = …
:x: loveable = …
:x: caring = …
:x: sweet = Oreos
:x: dorky = Always.

Cool

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 23:20:14 GMT

Stuff

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 18:42:09 GMT

I met Orlando Bloom look alike recently. Not at LOTR Orlando but PIRATES Orlando. *yummy*

I just went to a two day course for my work. It was the first time I stayed in a hotel room alone. It was neat! I jumped from one bed to the nest for like twenty minutes. I had to laugh at myself for it.

Also, I had a fight with a close friend of mine recently and we finally talked for the firts time in a month this weekend. What was incerdible was that we were angry over things that the other person never said. Rumors are form the devil.

That is it for now.

Your Love Life in Evanescence Lyrics
Name
DOB
Favourite Color
Your Love Life	We're leaving here tonight,There's no need to tell anyone,They'd only hold us down,So by the morning light,We'll be half way to anywhere,Where love is more than just your name

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